So one day who should show up at the Pearly Gates but the soul of the great Stradivari. St. Peter looks up the data base, and finds that they have nothing on him. All he ever did was make fiddles, so, on the one hand, he never did anything to warrant damnation, but then, on the other hand, he never did much to advance his spiritual state either. Not knowing where to put him. Peter appeals to a Higher Authority, and the word comes down that he is to be shown the alternatives, and given his choice. So an angel is assigned to show him around heaven.
It's pretty nice; sort of like Club Med but it never shows up on your credit card. At the end they come to a low building with lots of windows, and when they go it it's violin maker's shop, all set up and ready, with the tools sharp and the glue warm. "So...", says the angel, "if you come to heaven this will be your shop. You can work here through eternity, discovering the secrets of that craft you loved in life. Whenever a good violinist comes to heaven, they will play your instruments: they will be played in the Heavenly Choir before the Throne of God; what more could a man want?" But, Strad's a business man; that last luthier to die rich. He wants to see the counter offer before he makes up his mind. So it's off to hell, where a devil conducts the tour.
There's no getting around it: it's grim. Finally they come to a sort of quieter corner of hell where it's not so hot, and there's a low building with lots of windows. It's a violin maker's shop, just like the one upstairs. "See.." says the devil, "whatever they've go we've got, AND, I can offer you two things they can't. In the first place, you know how fiddlers are: we're going to see a lot more good ones down here than they'll se up there. But secondly, and more important, the violin is, after all, the devil's instrument. I can tell you all the secrets of violin making; you won't have to work through eternity to find them out!"
Well, who could refuse. Strad shakes hands with the devil. Then the devil spends about forty-five minutes telling him everything he didn't already know about violin making.
As he finishes up, Strad is sitting there scratching his head. The devil asks: "Is there something I left out, something you didn't understand?" "No.." replies Strad, "its just that that I've got this nice shop. It's no hotter here than Cremona in the summer; I can get used to this. All of these good violinists are going to come by to play my instruments, and you've told me all the secrets of violin making: why is this hell?" And the devil shrugs and answers: "No wood!"
From Tom Knatt
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